


the lure of pain

by Heroheart8



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Hurt, Introspection, Self-Harm, Steve Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers-centric, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Has A Heart, accidental suicide attempt, no real attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 23:15:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19840555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heroheart8/pseuds/Heroheart8
Summary: Steve develops a habit of using self-harm as a way to manage depression and anxiety, but he also has the healing factor. A Story of Steve Rogers being human, but expecting himself to be more.Prompt Fill





	the lure of pain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anonymous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonymous/gifts).



> So here it is, my first try at publishing a FanfFic. I chose a prompt and kept it short to play it safe. Additionally, I'm not a native speaker, but writing in german just feels wrong and not in character at all. Probably because I watch everything with the original tone. If self-harm is a trigger for you stay away, this is not for you! I'm writing it introspective, so the self-harm and interconnected emotions are realy graphic. I am desperately trying to give it a happy end, with Steve getting the help he needs, but I won't guarantee anything. Please prepare yourself for a lot of hurt and not so much comport. Since this is my first Fic I would love any kind of critique and / or advice.

The first time Steve felt pain in his new Rebirth Body was, when he picked up the glass shards of the broken vial of super soldier serum after the cyanide pill killed Dr. Erskine’s assassin. He was in a rush of emotions, anger about his dead friend, confusion about his new body, and a bit of fear about what the dead man had said. Leaving glass shards lying around could harm somebody so he picked them up. and cut himself in the hand. Steve saw a few drops of red blood gather in his palm, but it felt different than he remembered how pain felt. It felt different than before. Then, suddenly, it began to heal in front of his eyes and every emotion he could remember to feel was mere awe of this new body given to him. The body Erskine made him, who was killed for it. With the picture of his mentor falling to the ground, dying, embedded in his head he closed his hand around the shard again and went back to the base.

The second time Steve felt pain was less of an accident. He was dancing around in Senator Brands USO Show all week and felt trapped in his life. What use was all his strength, his endurance, his healing abilities, if he was just a show pony? He knew it was not a bad assignment, better then being a lab rat stuck with some scientists and all their tests, but he didn't feel of use nearly enough. The Gals could do a show like this just fine without him. Would the effects of the serum even last, if he didn't use his potential? Walking around restless, he decided to find a place to train a bit. It was an odd thought at first, because even when training with Bucky before trying to enlist in the army, training was always something exhausting and never something he would do willingly for more than a few minutes. Now it was different. His body was different. Steve felt all this energy run through his veins; every little emotion turned into an impulse to react. When he finally found the gym he just stopped, standing there and starring, trying to decide what to do. No one gave him a super soldier specific training regiment so what was he even supposed to do? He tried with Push-Ups and Pull-Ups, lifting some weights, throwing some heaving balls around, but nothing seemed to have any effect on him. Remembering how Bucky tried to show him how to fight in Goldie's Gym he went for the punching bag. Hitting something felt good. Steve's mind started to calm down and he relaxes, finding a rhythm in his hits. He must not have pulled his punches enough because a few seconds later the back flew right across the room, ripped open and losing all the sand within. Steve’s knuckles where bleeding at some spots, aching and red, but he felt calm and relaxed. He knew it would heal. Captain America will always heal. His time, he thought, will come. A chance to prove himself won't wait forever. Till then he can do what is possible now and sell some war bonds.

And his time came. He freed Bucky and the other soldiers. He had his best friend back, found some more, gained Chester Phillips respect, proved himself as a capable asset and finally got his chance to fight. And it felt good. Marching through the woods, crawl through mud, bang up Hydra Soldiers and fight for the freedom of the world, it felt wonderful. The war seemed to go in a better direction and all they had to do was continue what they were best at. What he was made for. And then the day came when they failed. The day he failed; his best friend died. Bucky fell into the Abyss and Steve felt lost. The mission was considered a success, Zola captured, but how could he feel anything but guilty. Captain America was supposed to be the greatest soldier of all times and still his merely human friend had to protect him. And he died trying. What do men who failed do? They get a drink. Steve got more than one, but the more he drank, the more he realized it had no effect on him. Even Peggy’s soft and reassuring words didn't push away the feeling of isolation and guilt. How could he live in a world, where he was responsible for the death of Bucky? How was he allowed to live, without any scratch or pain, when his friend was gone? "Maybe I'm not supposed to be free of it. Maybe it’s a flaw in the design" he thought loudly to himself. And without even thinking about it his feet dragged him to the gym. The punching bag wouldn't do it this time, so he dragged a mat against the concrete wall and started punching it. All sense of time went away, and his breathing slowed. The pain in his hands pushed away every thought. He didn't even notice when the mat slid down to flow. He punched the wall over and over till there was a big hole in the concrete, littered with red splashes of blood. Shaking Steve sank to the floor. He couldn't move all his fingers, probably broke a few of them, but it didn't matter to him. He felt nothing, and nothing was so much better.

When he woke in 2011 the world had changed. Everything around him was different, but he wasn't. This wasn't right. This is not the life he was meant for.  
He found out how much the world had changed not by seeing all the flashing lights and loud cars at times square, but when the first thing SHIELD put him under was a psych evaluation. He knew what the doctor was asking about, but since when where soldiers not allowed to deal with the war in their own way? All this talk about his experiences, his losses, Bucky, Peggy and his old live made him frustrated. Or was it anger? Maybe just hopelessness... No matter what it was he felt, he didn't want to talk about it. He wanted it to go away. Of course, that wasn't what he told the doctor. He is Captain America, of course he was ok. He was created to be ok. The doc seemed to be the slightest bit suspicious, but he let it go anyway. He probably knew better than trying to get more talking out of a veteran. The moment he was left alone, Steve headed for the Gym. He knew he was watched closely, so he went for a punching bag. And a second after the first one was in pieces. And a third one after that. And the world started to slow down again.

After he met the Avengers, Steve felt better for a while. He went through less punching bags and didn't feel the urge to hurt himself until everything felt soft, dark and empty anymore. Or at least not as often and strong as before. And then Hydra came back. The people he worked with betrayed him. SHIELD fell and what he believed in in this knew unknown century was rushed out of the sky. And Bucky. He was alive. But what he had to suffer, because Steve failed him... What they did to his friend because he couldn’t protect him, to save him or at least find him down in the abyss. It was his fault. Steve bears the responsibility for what happened to Bucky. He was supposed to be a good person. He is celebrated as a hero. How can Steve be a hero, if he lets Hydra torture his friends? He wasn't even able the save himself. No, the Winter Soldier had to drag him out of the Potomac. After everything he let him go through, he still saved him. He was made into an assassin and he was still a better man. More capable, more loyal, good. And this time the punching bags weren't enough. Nor were the mat or even the concrete wall, which made skin rip and his bones break, enough. Nothing that used to do the trick could tune out the world. Nothing could push away Steve’s thoughts. And the he saw the knife, lying there on a chair, waiting for some tape or bandages needing to be cut. It wasn't as sharp as a hunting knife, but still it would cut deep. Steve sway it in his hand, considering it. And then he placed the first cut. a straight line across his arm. Not dangerous for him, but deep enough to draw blood. He felt the sharp sting, smelled the blood, felt its warmth around the wound and the world went a little bit quieter. He placed a second cut next to the first, this time curved like a snake. The pain was delicious. It was more precise than the pain of cracked knuckles and broken finger bones. Where the pain from the punching dampened everything away, the knife cut right through Steve’s emotions. And he couldn't stop. Somewhere between the first few cuts healing and the tenth being put on his thigh, his cuts started to take form. They turned into letters and letters formed words. Bucky. He could read the name of the one he failed on his arm, but he had to watch it disappear again. So, he cut it in again, deeper this time. He put all his guilt out of his mind and deep onto his skin.  
Steve’s mind went blank, so he didn't hear the artificial voice coming of the ceiling. He didn't answer the AIs questions and in doing so finally enabled Jarvis to break the facility’s privacy protocols. The last thing Steve knew was gliding into blissful darkness.

The first thing Steve noticed was a soft beeping sound. Afterwards he smelled something sharp and unnatural. When he opened his eyes, everything was too bright and he felt heavier on the chest, than he had in a long time. While his eyes slowly adapted to the lighting, he looked around the room. He was lying in a bed with a lot of futuristic looking monitors around. There where cables stuck to him and he was wearing a white thin robe. When he finally started to realize he was in some kind of hospital or nursing station, something next to him moved. At first the dark tousled hair made him think of Bucky, but it clearly wasn't him. After a few blinks he recognized Tony Stark. What Steve saw in the man’s face was completely unexpected. He looked terribly worried and troubled. Tony just looked at him, recognizing him to be awake, but with an expression as if he didn't know what to say. A circumstance completely impossible, Tony Stark was always joking about everything, or at least provoking everyone around him just for the sake of it. But now he was just sitting there, watching Steve in silence. And he was Steve. It was clear that Captain America left the house quite a while ago. He didn't even know how late it is. When he started looking around for a clock, Tony finally started to speak. "You were out for almost an hour. That might not be long for a normal person, but with the lab experiment in your bloodstream that is basically long-term coma. You seemed to be very keen on getting rid of the serum, with the amount of blood you were willing to lose." Steve had no idea what to say and stayed silent. The minutes went by and none of the both said a word again. Until Steve couldn't take the silence anymore and said quietly and maybe not very convincing: "I wasn't trying to kill myself, you know that, right?" After he got no answer, he managed to look up and met Tony’s gaze. "Do I? I don't think I know that Cap." Did he even know himself what he was trying to do? What was his goal? Why was he even hurting himself? It wouldn't change anything, or help in any way, nor would it do anything other than let him look pathetic and weak. And with that Steve was suddenly ashamed and didn't want the other man to see him like this anymore. Why was Stark even here? and Why was Steve here? Or to be correct: where was here and how did he get here? He was nearly lost to his mind analyzing all his surroundings when Tony started talking again. "You’re in a private Stark Industries medical center. Jarvis alarmed me and an ambulance of your life-threatening situation. You were brought here with the most privacy possible. Your little stunt there lead to a huge blood loss. And I am here to make sure this doesn't happen again"  
Apparently, Steve had said all of it out loud.  
To make sure it doesn’t happen again, Tony had said. He wouldn’t put Steve into a sanatorium, would he? Is this still how things like this are handled nowadays? No, wouldn’t let that happen. Before they lock him away Steve must get out of here.  
But to his surprise, Tony smiled reassuringly and calm, took his hand and said: “Don’t worry Steve. I will help you through it. I know how it feels believe me. You will stay at Stark tower with me for as long as you need, and I will take care of you I promise. I won’t let a friend down.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, not quite a happy end but at least there is hope. Maybe I'll write a second chapter someday. I fairly underestimated how long writing Fanfictions takes. It took me over 5 hours to write this little thing... Maybe my big planned project, which I was using this as a training session for, will have to wait a while longer afterall.


End file.
